When “We” becomes “Me”...

OMG, I  have now tried to start writing this multiple times to just continuously delete and try again. The challenge I suppose is that there are two different outcomes on this one. When I look back and if I am 100%, the move from “We” to “Me” started years before I called time on my relationship. The end, as such, just served to draw a line under something that I stayed in for far too long.

You've got to love hindsight and the 20:20 vision it gives you. Now that I am writing this, it is unapologetically pulling into focus those points in time when I was very much “me” rather than “we”.

Let's face it, being alone and being lonely are two very different things and for me, some of the loneliest times in my life have been when I was married. 

However, the fact is that when my marriage came to an end, so did the illusion of this team aka the “We” that I had often allowed myself to believe I was part of.  Even when there was plenty of evidence to the contrary and I was clearly on my own, the truth when it hit was no more palatable. 

Suddenly the fact that it really was down to just me, especially when things went wrong (and oooh, how wrong they did go!), at times seemed overwhelming. However, there were also times - like realising that the feature wall in my bedroom; which initially had seemed like an amazing idea as though I was channelling my inner interior designer and in my head would result in a OMG that's amazing response, rather than the “OMG what was I thinking” that followed moments after the paint dried. 

Less than 24 hours after it being painted it was gone, without a big discussion or having to qualify my change of heart.

Getting used to just being me has taken time and I have to be careful, I am aware that I find it difficult to ask for help. I struggle with having someone in my corner. Not being dramatic, but that is something I have not had and ironically whilst I find it pretty automatic to be there for someone, I can't quite seem to grasp someone doing it for me…..call it a work in progress!

It's strange, from conversations with people, no matter how it happens (divorce, separation or bereavement), when a long-term relationship comes to an end, you can find yourself truly adrift in that moment when the “we” really becomes “me”. 

For many, life can feel like it is split between the before and the after. Even if, as in my case, you were the one to initiate the end of the relationship. Let's face it. The person you were at the start of it, is not the person that you are now. A part of relationships is about compromise (and sadly often this also results in us losing ourselves). When you combine this with the changes that shape us over the years, as we get a few miles on the clock, work, parenting and various life experiences, we are unaware, of the very fact that we are unaware, of who ‘the me of now is’.

It doesn't really matter how a relationship ends from a bolt out of the blue, to a long, slow and miserable demise; I am pretty confident in saying that at that moment, when you know it has truly ended, you feel as though life has flipped upside down and you are desperately struggling to find an anchor. 

It will get better. You will find a new rhythm, but there is no set timeline. There are stages that everyone dealing with the loss of a relationship will go through, as they navigate the grief of the future they thought they had. Be kind to yourself; before you found yourself back as a singleton, not once had you maybe considered that googling pasta recipes for one, might start a torrent of tears, or that you would see a bag of quavers and several glasses of wine as truly acing dinner.

Looking to the future (sometimes just to the next day) can seem like too much. I have big bits of that time that I have no recollection of, but one thing I have done (once I had found a video on Facebook after hours of doom scrolling from under the covers) is make my bed. The advice (and for me it works) is that if you manage nothing else that day, you have achieved one thing and it is always nicer to get into a made bed!

Whatever point you are at try and keep in mind that divorce, separation or loss isn't the end of the story - it's simply the start of a different chapter. However you're finding your way through, take heart: there's life, laughter and plenty more to come.

Until next time, 

Pamela

Divorced, not dead - still standing, still laughing, still me.